Seth Cockfield

comedian | Brooklyn, NY

Welcome to the website of stand-up comedian Seth Cockfield.

Epithetical Situation

I don’t like organized religion much, and racism is a big pet peeve of mine, and that makes it very hard for me to make friends in Texas.

It’s pretty disturbing how prevalent casual racism is today. I was in a public bathroom the other night, in a stall, and I heard these two Indian guys enter, and the first guy goes,

“That old Jew was such a fuckin’ racist. What the fuck? What, he’s never seen two Indian guys shopping at a convenience store before? He’s gotta make jokes like we should be working there? Fuck that Jew. I mean, I’m racist, but I’m funny!”

And the other guy goes,

“Yea, ya gotta be funny.”

Wow, is that what he thinks? His textbook must’ve had an interesting chapter on slavery.

“The Africans did not mind being slaves since their white masters each had a razor sharp sense of humor.”

The phrase, “I’m not a racist, but…” doesn’t help, either. 
You know, that line that’s always followed by astonishing racism. That saying is so popular, there’s a tumblr that collects instances of regular people using it publicly on their social media profiles. People don’t give a fuck.

And they have to precede their racism with that. You can’t say it after. It doesn’t work.

"Hey everybody, there aren’t enough white babies. By the way, I’m not racist!"

See? Ya gotta lead with it.

One guy from the website said,

"I’m not a racist or anything, but Hitler had the right idea. My polish neighbor and his stupid family keep taking up all the parking spots.”

Sir, if you’re not a racist…you should be, because you’re really good at it.

I think a lot of people have it in their head that as long as they don’t literally subscribe to the Storm Front news letter or put a uniform or ghost costume on in the name of racism, then they’re not racist. They are normal, which is scarier.
Which is why I want to change the word. Saying you’re not a racist is almost indisputable. You can argue all day that you’re not “a racist”, fine, you’re just telling a racist’s version of the truth. That’s all. Just because you like baseball doesn’t mean you play baseball, I get it. 

That’s why I never call someone racist. It’s stupid, it’s like calling them “lame”, it’s too relative. It has no real power. They don’t care. They’ll either not care or deny it. Then what? Ya look like a whiny baby who calls everybody ‘racist’ and ruins the party. But nine times out of  ten, what they’re saying is at least ignorant, and no one wants to be called ‘ignorant’. I would love it if the librul media would begin to say ‘ignorant’ instead of ‘racist’. Much more effective.

Imagine if the headlines read:

"Alabama Congressman Under Fire for Ignorant Comments Made at Fundraiser”

"Tea Party Leader Defends Ignorant Protest Signs”

"Rush Limbaugh Attacked for Making Ignorant Remarks about Obama”

People would be like, “Well, fuck that guy, then. You just don’t do that, go on the radio and say ignorant shit. Racism I can handle, but don’t be ignorant.”

Racism isn’t the problem, yall. It’s ignorance. Spread the word, don’t be ignorant.